Unofficial Richard Hammond Fan Site

Cute? No way! I'm sinister,; THE DRIVEN MAN BEHIND NEW SEX GOD HAMMOND mean, dark heart () ..AND I'M TALLER THAN CLOONEY!

MIRROR motoring columnist Richard Hammond has accelerated to sudden fame as a sex object.

Mind you, the Top Gear presenter's main rivals for No.1 "weird crush" in Heat magazine this week were Boris Johnson, Bob Geldof and Derren Brown.

Here he makes a, erm, gracious acceptance speech...

'SO I'm the best of a really bad bunch - hoorah. I'm still a little sceptical about all this.

After all, I'm the short bloke who was always ignored at school discos. I used to pitch up in a badly matching flowery shirt and tie, stand on the side of the dancefloor and wait for a girl to come and talk to me - and they never did.

Now I'm top of a Z-list nookie league. How things have changed. What's most funny is that I work on a car show, and what could possibly be more geeky than that?

My Top Gear colleague and rival Jeremy Clarkson will no doubt have a field day. I've heard women like him, too, but don't believe it. He's not an unlikely sex symbol - more a miraculous sex symbol. I think it's a perversion if women fancy him.

But they do. I think it's a height thing. Maybe he's so far up they can't actually see his face. I've never really seen his face because it's so far away from me, so maybe they can't see what's going on in the front of his head either.

All the remarks in Heat harp on about my size: "He's a little beauty" and "I love the fact he can only just see over the dashboard" - but I'll have you know I'm not actually that short. I'm 5ft 7ins, which is a fairly normal height. It's just that I have to stand next to giant Jeremy, who's about 8ft tall.

For the past 20 years I've been quite happily going about my business without anyone commenting on my height and now people shout at me in the street: "Oi, shortarse... you really are short, aren't you?"

I usually point out they're ugly or have a really rubbish car. I don't mind it, really. The only time I don't like it is at posh parties when they use the top of my head as an ashtray or to stand drinks on.

I'm taller than a lot of film stars - especially the short ones. I'm taller than Mel Gibson, I'm taller than George Clooney, I'm taller than Tom Cruise - and I'm taller than Hitler.

No, I'm not bothered. What I really don't like is being called cute. I'm not cute, I'm quite dangerous. No man really in his heart of hearts wants to be called cute.

In my mind I look like Clint Eastwood - tall, scary, strong and silent - but women just think I'm fluffy and inoffensive. I'm not cute. I'm miserable, I have a mean, dark heart and I'm sinister. I've just come back from running with the bulls in Pamplona. I'm not cute, I'm brave.

I like doing dangerous, brave things. Maybe that's why I keep on doing all the dangerous stuff on Top Gear - because I'm compensating for being small and cute.

There was a time I was great with girls - at infants' school. Then I went to Solihull School for Boys. I was terrified of girls and crossed the road to avoid them.

Then we moved up north and I went to a mixed grammar school. I'll never forget standing outside a door, knowing that on the other side was not only a classroom full of strangers but also some of them were girls.

I'd rather have walked into a room full of crocodiles. Then I discovered they were actually quite nice. But I was hopeless at pursuing them. I don't think I was a late developer. I just failed to develop.

I once had a mad, mad crush. I think her name was Sarah. I followed her around like a little puppy and at some school party she grabbed hold of me and snogged me frantically. She was so forward I went off her immediately.

I always developed aching crushes on girls. I was hopelessly romantic and useless. My wife would say I'm not romantic any more, but I did buy her a Harley-Davidson for her birthday last week.

She wanted something cool and I fancy girls on motorcycles, so it was probably as much for me.

My wife thinks me coming top in the poll is hilarious but she really does think I'm attractive, so she wasn't too surprised.

I'm very lucky she trusts me. But if I wasn't happily married I'd be on a non-stop rampage, exploiting my victory ruthlessly. I'd be on one long, shallow, celebrity-driven shagfest. I'd have a brilliant six months and then everything would drop off. Since I've been on the telly it's been astonishing how some women react. If you go to a nightclub there is a certain type of girl who'll make improper suggestions that we pop into the lavatories. I run away.

Quite how fame makes you better-looking I don't know. Apparently it does, but I won't let it change me. I've been voted top of the bottom league, but that's better than being bottom of the top. What I hope it doesn't do is promote me up into the next league, because then I'm really in trouble.

I'll be up against people who are genuinely attractive.

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